| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2010|06:12 pm] |
hello emotional roller coaster; high highs and lowest lows.
please remain constant for a goddamn week |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2010|12:56 am] |
i have a huge bruise on my knee, my calves are so sore, i feel like i got punched in the ribs, my cell phone has been lost and with someone i have no idea who they are for the past two days, i never change my clothes, my room is a disgusting mess
and i could not be happier, things are good. i can’t wait for summer, i want my weekends to keep going this well. i’m having fun. this is all so needed. i’m not depressed anymore..
breaking up with brandon was my biggest fear in the world, but i did it. and i feel like the biggest weight is lifted off my shoulders. he needs to figure his shit out and get his shit out of his system. and he is still my best friend. no matter what anyone says to either of us, he will always be my best friend.
i feel good for once. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2010|11:05 am] |
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winter is so damn depressing. lets get this shit over with |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2010|10:28 pm] |
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i'm not doing any better. i don't see the point in anything lately. i've been wearing the same clothes for the last six days.. i haven't put on make up, shaved my legs, or even paid any attention to my hair. i truly do not leave my bed. i don't have any friends here at school.. i'm sitting here trying to do homework.. and i don't want to do anything. i have a lot to do and i don't care. every couple minutes i just drop everything and curl up in a ball and sit in the corner of my bed and mindlessly stare at my tv.. i'm just not happy.. i don't have anything anymore.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2010|03:55 am] |
i don't really get anything...
i think i'm better off just crawling off and away into hole and not just talk to anybody for a really long time...
like.. who else do i have to blame for my depressingly bad moods and my anxiety attacks other than myself? i do blame a lot on brandon.. and that isn't really fair. although 70% of the time i truly believe he deserves the blame. i mean.. i'm going back to grand rapids soon so whatever.. my best friend at school is gone. my best friend here, makes time for me in the slots where has nothing better do to. and even then, i feel like it's pulling teeth for him to come over. and when he does, we just sit in bed and do nothing. maybe watch a movie. then he leaves, and goes out with ronnie, or just HAS to go and get coffee. he can't just leave my house, and be satisfied with a night of just hanging out with me, there's always better things to do.
this wasn't supposed to be a rant about brandon. because i'm usually perfectly happy with him, just little things bug me so much.
i hate everyone and everything. thats why i think it'd be better for me to just leave. like, seriously.. who would seriously care if i just fell off the face of the earth for awhile? everyone views me as such a negative person, and it's because i am. i'm a huge pessimist. and i'm annoyed by everything. so...
my head isn't in the right state of mind? maybe? whatever... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2010|04:10 am] |
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i hate that i easily no problem stay awake until 4 in the morning every night, i have to force myself to bed, and it's so hard to fall asleep. i need to shake this problem ASAP. becauseeee i start school in a week, granted i don't have a class earlier than 12:30 (thank you jesus), but i hate this sleeping pattern. |
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| a year is a long time |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|08:54 pm] |
Which was the best month for you?
i don't think i've had a consistent solid month of good. i think april was good, the ending of freshman year, and the weather was getting so nice, and it was just refreshing.
Which month(s) was the worst?
parts of every month were the fucking worst. november?
What was the most significant thing that happened this year?
moving into a new house out of my shithole apartment, i got to see blink 182 in concert
What person had the most impact on your life this year?
brandon, and has for the past 3 years
What was the best concert that you attended?
blink
What was your biggest challenge of 2009?
dealing with bitchy people, failing my first class ever...
Your biggest regret?
not learning how to drive yet
What moments stand out to you the most?
getting close with the kids in the photo program at kendall, i really like them. anything with brandon. being fun fun drunk. halloween was so good too
What band did you listen to the most?
girltalk probably.. the beatles too
On a scale of 1-10, 2009 was:
7
Did you:
Meet anyone special?
not special in the romantic way
Get close to someone you didn’t expect to?
yea
Have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
yep
Have a relationship for more than 3 months?
yep
Hook up with anyone, no strings attached?
no
Experience the death of a loved one?
no
Get in a fight?
yes
Lose a friend?
i feel like i lost colton
Regret doing something?
yea
Go to a concert?
yep
Get back together with an ex?
just brandon
Enjoy being single?
i haven't been in 3 and a half years
Accomplish a goal?
i'm sure i did
Learn something new?
always
Get arrested?
no thankk you
Break up with someone?
nope
Get a tattoo?
yes, 3 new ones
Go to a party?
so many good ones
The New Year: 2010
What will you be doing on New Year’s Eve:
not sure yet. yikes. somewhere with brandon, drunk.
Will you kiss anyone at midnight?
of course i will
What is your New Year’s resolution?
be healthy and get fit. not give a shit about people. loosen up and clam my anxiety down. 365 photo project to get using my camera and practice my editing. have fun.
Did you keep your resolution from last year?
i don't think i really made one
Do you think things will be different in 2010?
yes. i'm going back to grand rapids and meagan won't be there. i have no idea who i'm living with fall semester and i feel like all my friends are leaving kendall. besides the photo program, and i have a feeling we'll change for the better, i can't wait to be so close with everyone. it's a really good group of kids.
What do you want most out of 2010?
my weight to go back down and have the body i had when i was 17 college turns you gross. continue dating brandon and keep going with that. i want a job and be able to pull my weight more, i feel bad for my parents. and i want all of brandon's friends.. to view me as their friends.. and not brandon's girlfriend.
Do you think 2010 will be better than 2009?
my classes are starting off 1000 times better. so yes. definitely
Anything you are particularly looking forward to?
photography things. brandon. friends. drunk. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|09:29 pm] |
i do not have a dollar to my name. and it sucks. i cannot do anything without asking my mom for a couple of dollars. everything costs money. so much money. and i feel like a big piece of shit asking my mom for money considering how much my school costs, considering how much my camera stuff costs, considering how much my rent is. i really hate this. really really hate this.
i really tried to get a job in grand rapids, it doesn't help that i can't drive. relying on buses and walking.. just not a good mix into getting hired. i'm being forced to get my license in 5 months. we'll see how that goes. but i do feel like a big piece of shit not having that either.
i feel great about myself lately.
[also:
why am i incapable of taking a good picture? or even attempting to try and take good pictures.. i just got a new camera.. why am i not more excited.. i'm being a second shooter with amanda at a wedding in february, i need to do something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|01:59 pm] |
lets time out for a minute to say how much i love my parents..
i'm getting a nikon d90 for christmas, along with an 18-55mm vibration reduction lens, 70-300mm lens, 500mm reflex mirror lens, 650-1300mm long range lens, 50mm lens, external flash, 52mm 2x telephoto lens, 52mm wide angle lens, 16gb memory card, 8gb memory card, a backpack, a carrying case, a hard shell case, a tripod, a travel sized mini tripod, 4 filters, remote control, a t-mount, a usb card reader, and all the cleaning and protective stuff.
i love my life right now. |
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